Reasons why I didn't want to go to Wash U in the first place:

1. People said "I didn't sneeze" when I told them where I was applying
2. People said "no" in an offended tone when I told them where I was applying
3. Bear mascots are almost as original as lion/tiger mascots
4. You value legacy more than merit (dumb! Just because someone's parent went to your school does not mean that they are more qualified than me, or that they won't fail out after a semester of incessant partying. See that Wash U? I bet those legacies don't even know what "incessant" means!)
5. St. Louis crime rates are so heinous that I probably would have been mugged or murdered by the time I graduated.
6. The most memorable thing about your city is that someone flew away from it.
7. Your landmark is an arch. Mazel Tov! The Romans invented that almost 4,000 years ago. Once again, astounding originality.
8. Your school colors (red and green) indicate clear favoritism of Santa Claus.  I have a Chanukah bush, bitch. 

Dear Amherst College,

Did you know that you were my top choice? As in, if I had gotten in I would have gone and you would have received my money? Apparently not, and now you get none of that money. Why? Because you rejected me. Yep, rejected. Not even wait listed. Just a "sorry, we couldn't find any room for you among all of our first generation to go to college minority students." My initial sadness has subsided and given way to anger. What did I do wrong, Amherst? I visited your campus. I filled out your application, wrote your essays, sent my test scores (which met your mean) and my transcripts (with a GPA well within your range). Heck, I would have interviewed if I could have. But I don't think those were the problem, Amherst. The problem was, that I am (with no fault of my own) a white middle class female. In other words, Amherst, the majority. I did not grow up in poverty. I am not some concoction of races (although when you get technical, I AM, just not the ones you want) and I am not male. I would like to believe that you look at the merit of the candidates seeking admission, without taking into account demographics. But, according to NPR, this is not so Amherst! A student with sub-par scores and grades that would under any normal circumstances be denied admission but, OH WAIT, he's the first in his family to go to college? ADMITTED! But what perhaps is most angering about all of this, Amherst College, is that you have turned me politically incorrect! You know what Amherst, I'm done. No more pony show or tricks. I'm through with this game we've been playing. I see through your smoke and lights. When it comes down to it, your admissions process is nothing more than a rigged crapshoot. Furthermore, I do not want to go to a school who's mascot is some random man! Oh yes, I went there Amherst College. 

Yours,
Politically Incorrect and Pissed

Dear Carnegie Mellon,

I sincerely apologise for not having the 'potential' you were looking for. While your conservatory proclaims to be looking for people who are 'not perfect', your overly selective decision for 18 people speaks otherwise. If you truly wish to educate those who want to grow in their craft, you would accommodate those more like myself, who are not yet perfect. Your system is flawed, because in order to get in, I would have to be at a level I am not at. The only way to get to the level you would wish me to be at is to complete an education similar to that which you offer. I hope you see the Catch-22 in this situation.

In brief? Thank you for the compliments during my audition and the false hope that you gave me and thousands of others. I hope those 18 you chose meet their full potential, if they even have it in the first place.

Yours,
No Longer a Steelers Fan

Dear Brown University,

I apologize for not being as qualified as one Emma Watson. I was not given the opportunity to act in what would become one of the most popular movie series as a child. Had I, it surely would have been taken. While it was nice of you to place me on your waiting list, your line, “As disappointing as this decision may be for you,” was wholly unnecessary. You flatter yourself too much Brown University. Perhaps I do not wish to attend a school that does not truly want me. Did you think of that? Did you ever think that I may have been courted by one University of the South? No. You did not. Because you, Brown University, in Providence, Rhode Island, are on, what some would call, a high horse.

Sincerest Thanks,

Qualified and Denied